It’s natural to notice when you’re doing more of a certain task or action in the relationship, but if you stop there, your feelings will quickly fester into a stew of resentment. The “not enough” mindset will quickly spiral into your seeing your relationship through the glass half-empty lens, which will then negatively impact how you feel about your partner. There is one simple antidote for the habit of keeping score: Give for the joy of giving. Give because it makes your relationship run more smoothly. Give because you see that a task needs to get done and you know you’re capable of doing it. Giving is the love-juice that lubricates the rough spots and takes the squeak out of the wheels. When you focus too much on how much you’re giving and your partner isn’t, thereby keeping score, the giving actually morphs into an act of taking. It’s no longer unconditional giving; it’s giving with strings attached as you covertly and possibly subconsciously attempt to earn points in the relationship. True giving asks nothing in return. The joy is in the giving itself. If you’re in a loving relationship, chances are very high that your partner gives in other ways, so for everything that you do you could easily take your thought process to the next level and notice everything your partner does to keep the relationship sailing smoothly. And when you give for the sake of giving, you will likely naturally notice the ways that your partner gives. And it can be more meaningful areas like: I’m the one who usually initiates sex. And, yes, my partner is the one who typically plans our dates. Not only does this counteract the habit of keeping score, but it’s also a way to cultivate appreciation. And appreciation, as most people know, is like a magic elixir that bolsters our feelings of love and attraction. It may be helpful to think of your relationship like a pool. When you tend to the third body of the relationship — not just me or you but the third body of us — through acts of giving, you fill the pool with clear, warm water. When the pool is full, it feels good for both of you. And the more you give naturally and without conditions or expectations, the more you will inspire your partner to give as well. And then the pool stays full most of the time, and it’s a place where you both like to swim. To receive a thorough relationship road map, check out her mbg video course, How to Have the Greatest Relationship of Your Life. And if you’re struggling with sexual desire and body image, consider her course Sacred Sexuality: A 40-Day Course for Women to Heal Body Shame and Ignite Desire.
