If you’ve ever questioned why it’s hard for people to leave painful partnerships, it’s important to understand the concept of trauma bonding—which points to an abusive and distressing relationship with brief moments of positive reinforcement. “Trauma bonds are the attachments we have with our abusers,” psychotherapist Jourdan Travers, LCSW, tells mbg. “It’s when we have fond feelings or miss individuals who have abused us because we’ve developed a connection to them. One minute things are good, and then the next, they’re not.” Trauma bonding frequently shows up in romantic relationships but also extends to dynamics with power imbalances including, but not limited to, abusive parent-child relationships, sex trafficking, military training, fraternity hazing, kidnapping, cults, and hostage situations. The situation can vary, but fundamentally, it’s about dependency and having someone abusive fulfill your emotional and spiritual needs. The attachment pattern alternates between devaluation and intimacy. The person you want to console you the most is the one hurting you. In practice, trauma bonding looks like a compulsive cycle of wanting to please your partner to avoid setting them off, followed by an incident of physical, emotional, or verbal abuse, and then a honeymoon period where all seems well again. Your partner may remorsefully cry to you saying it wasn’t their character and they’ll never do it again, equally fueling your fear and trust in them. You want to believe it will get better, which is why you stay. Yet the pattern continues. People sometimes think trauma bonding is simply bonding over shared traumas, she notes, or that it’s just about overcoming obstacles and hard moments together. In truth, trauma bonding is a feature of abusive relationships. “Because we tend to think of bonding as beneficial and romantic love as transcendent, we don’t understand the prevalence of trauma bonds in modern-day,” she says. One in four women and one in 10 men are victims of intimate partner violence, according to CDC data1. When you bond with a partner, your body releases happy chemicals like dopamine (released through attraction) and oxytocin (released through orgasm and hugging), which cements your attachment. However, in a trauma bond, it can keep you “addicted” to them and holding on to the instances they are kind to you. “Passion and seductive pledges push intuitions aside,” she explains. “Your pathological partner may lure you in using specific psychological tactics such as lying, deceit, love-bombing (showering you with excessive gifts, affection, or attention), and twinning, which is appearing interested in all of the same things as you. Then the mask slips off, and the boundaries are crossed.” It’s important to remember healthy relationships not only tolerate conflict but welcome it because it’s seen as an opportunity to strengthen the connection. It shows you trust each other enough to meet your needs. However, in trauma-bonded relationships, there’s a lot of anxiety about maintaining the status quo. You don’t want to dig deeper because fighting can be debilitating, which leads to a sense of powerlessness. So, you ignore bringing up what’s really going on and hope for changed behavior. On the other side of it, you may rationalize their awful behavior as your fault and try harder to avoid upsetting them. Coercive control can include: Macaluso points out this is all done with such covert finesse, you may not realize the hole you’ve dug yourself into until you’re in so deep it’s hard to climb back out. “A trauma bond occurs when your partner intentionally harms you through a pattern of threats, intimidation, manipulation, deceit, or betrayal so they have power and control,” she says. “You stay loyal to your violating partner despite feelings of fear, emotional pain, and distress.” “The irregular and unpredictable cycle of cruelty mixed with caring gestures are critical to forming traumatic attachments. No abusive person is mean or threatening all of the time,” she explains. “The cocktail of fear and seduction ironically deepens attachment because it provides intensity that escalates attraction and arousal. When you don’t understand traumatic bonding, you often mistake intensity and passion for love.” And because you don’t see the trauma-bonded relationship as being abusive, the bad behaviors aren’t identified in time and may be waved away at the start. “Early attachment experiences lay the foundation for our future self-esteem and how we bond with others. It’s where you learn about interpersonal boundaries and what your role in relationships is. You discover your emotional needs and how to fulfill them. You [also] form beliefs about yourself and the world,” Macaluso says. She notes adults with an insecure attachment pattern are more likely to enter into trauma bonds, while the perpetrator often has fearful-avoidant attachment. “Individuals who experienced childhood abuse or absent parents are more susceptible to developing trauma bonds to intimate partners because we unconsciously gravitate to partners and relationships that feel familiar,” Travers adds. It makes a lot of sense—if you were around a lot of difficult relationships growing up, you can unconsciously attract partners who repeat the same pain you experienced growing up. Even though it’s difficult, choosing a dysfunctional version of love is all you know. It can feel like you’re “coming home” to it even if it generates a lot of negativity and angst for you. “These prosocial personality traits [can] make them a magnet for the extremes of pathological partners who lack these traits,” she explains. “So, even if you heal your codependent issues, these innate personality traits do not disappear. Hence, you need to understand your vulnerability for entering a trauma bond.” “Healing from an abusive or traumatic relationship doesn’t happen overnight. Individuals involved in those relationships need both support and resources; working with a trauma-informed therapist and joining a support group is a great place to start,” Travers suggests. Go no-contact with your ex so you can focus on yourself completely. Since trauma bonding works within isolation, move to the other side of the spectrum by intentionally connecting with others. Repressing your emotions and pushing away what happened will keep you from processing the relationship, which will keep you spiritually frozen. By sharing openly, it decreases feelings of loneliness as you cultivate restorative relationship practices. During your recovery from a trauma bond, developing your relationship with yourself will be essential as you find safety again. “My advice to any and every person: Find out your attachment pattern, understand the basics of your early life relational trauma, and find out what your Big Five personality traits are,” Macaluso says. “The more you know, the more power you have. And the more power you have, the less likely you are to choose someone who will take it away from you.” Keeping a journal to privately record your thoughts and figure out patterns may be eye-opening as you return to yourself. Working on your self-worth will help you recognize the difference between unhealthy and healthy attachments down the line. It also works hand in hand with boundary development and higher self-esteem. Not only are you emotionally attending to yourself, but you’re also processing it somatically, which can be heavy. Toxic relationships are emotionally arresting, and unprocessed trauma can convert into stuck energy, which can overwhelm the systems in your body and overall cognition. It can also lead to increased blood pressure, tense muscles, sending your sympathetic nervous system into overdrive. Leaning on movement, mindfulness, and self-care will be vital. Take a moment to congratulate yourself for beginning to end the cycle. It’s a big step to make. As you know firsthand, it’s not easy to “just leave” an abusive partnership. Walking away from toxicity demonstrates incredible strength to choose yourself and your well-being first. Be gentle and tender with yourself as you recover from trauma bonding. If you are in immediate danger, call 9-1-1. For anonymous and confidential help, you can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233 or TTY 1-800-787-3224) and speak with a trained advocate for free as many times as you need. They’re available 24 hours a day, seven days a week. You can also speak to them through a live private chat on their website.
