Perhaps your partner is distant. Or chaotic. Or continues to hurt you in some way and make excuses for it. Whatever it might be, there is not true intimacy and care between you. However, you convince yourself that “one day” this relationship will give you what you actually want, and your partner will grow to be able to treat you well with a little work or when circumstances change. It might look like one of the above-listed phrases, or it could take the form of something a little more ordinary: People might wonder, Does this mean I can’t be hopeful about change in my relationship? Absolutely not. It’s good to be hopeful. Things will and can change if both people are willing to take ownership of the challenges that they’re facing and work together to create a healthy relationship. The issue here is that you’re not in touch with the current reality of who your partner is and instead are creating an imagined version of what they might be, which is often very different from what they are presenting to you in the present. There’s often no guarantee that this imagined person will ever actually manifest in real life—so in essence, you’re connecting with a fantasy. Oftentimes, fantasy bonds can be a way to make excuses for abuse. Instead of taking stock of who your partner is in this moment and how unacceptable their behavior is, you’re dissociating from your current reality while clinging to an imagined future. Other examples of this are hearing someone say they do not ever want children but hanging on to the relationship believing that once they “love you more,” they will change their mind. As children, we must bond to our caregivers. If we have unpredictable, neglectful, aloof, or abusive parents, this can be challenging. If we believe that it is our fault that our caregiver is not meeting our needs, then the world can become a very scary place. We wonder, who will keep us safe if not our caregiver? Instead, we build defenses. These defenses take us out of reality to keep us psychologically safe and instead take us into fantasy. We might blame ourselves for the adult’s behavior. Or we might begin to fantasize about who they could be: “Once my mom isn’t stressed anymore, she will stop drinking so much.” Or, “My dad said as soon as his contract with his job is over, he’ll be able to come by and see me. I know we will have so much fun then!” The fantasy bonds in your adult relationships mimic exactly what you felt as a child and how you maintained a bond with your parent even when the connection with them in the moment was disappointing or unhealthy. We must face who we are, and we must face who our partner is. We must face these things as they are in this very moment and ask ourselves, “What can I do with what is being offered to me right now?” If we find that the person is still lovable as they are (flaws and all), then we can create true intimacy. But if not, then the connection is only maintained through the fantasy. People are telling you who they are with their behavior. Listen.
