Ahead, we offer advice from couples’ therapists on how to recognize signs of an unhappy relationship and what to do if you find yourself unhappy in a relationship but scared to leave. Happiness is an emotion, after all, and we’re all familiar with what it feels like to be happy. Unhappiness can be considered the absence of that feeling, or it can present as feelings of sadness, frustration, stress, apathy, or even boredom. The point is, something feels off. And remember, unhappiness is about how you feel—not about whether or not something is actually “wrong” with your relationship. You don’t need to find a “valid reason” for your unhappiness. You can be unhappy in your relationship even if nothing is technically “wrong” and even if you still love your partner. (We’ve got a five-minute quiz that will tell you if you might be in a toxic relationship.) (Here’s our full guide to sexless relationships.) “That means you’re probably being drained, you’re probably being sucked dry, that means your partner has probably demanded or you’ve had to change so much to the point that you don’t even recognize your own self anymore,” says Jackson. “You stop having wants, needs, goals, desires, passions, hobbies, and all of those things, for the sake of the relationship and/or for the sake of children.” In a healthy, happy relationship, you shouldn’t have to give up all the things that make you who you are and all the things that make you feel alive. “In relationships, we tend to go through ‘comfort cycles,’ where we enjoy what’s happening and get the benefit of whatever work we’ve done. We can coast, in a way. Then we are thrown into ‘growth cycles,’ when one or both partners are unhappy with something,” she explains. “This is when we are called on to work, to grow, to change. To care about what our partner needs and for them to care about us. This is a natural flow through our life together.” Unhappiness in a relationship can be caused by any number of issues, including: She suggests taking some time to reflect on what’s been going on in your relationship and identifying any concerning situations that may have arisen recently, any moments where your partner has made you feel some type of way, or anything that you feel is missing and causing you to feel differently about your relationship. “Share your concerns without blame,” she says. “Approach them as a partner, getting on the same page to solve the issues.” This isn’t a “here’s all the things you’re doing wrong and all the things you need to change” conversation. This is a “here’s what I’m feeling and what I need to feel happy—what do you think we can do?” conversation. According to Jackson, what you’ll want to be on the lookout for during this time is change behavior from your partner. Are they putting in the work to try to get better at meeting your needs? Are they open to growing and learning? “You need to figure out if this person is worth committing to and staying with and seeing if you can grow and evolve with them, seeing if they want to change,” she explains. “Seeing if there’s some type of change behavior is crucial. And if that person does not want to do that, if they don’t want to better themselves, then it’s time for you to make the hard decision to let the relationship go because clearly it’s no longer serving you.” Change behavior can look like: “One of the sexiest things that a person can do is to be honest with themselves enough to say ‘You’re right. Oh my gosh. My bad. I’m so sorry. I didn’t know that that hurt your feelings. Next time I won’t do that. I’ll try this,” she says. She adds that you’ll also need to take accountability yourself for your part in any issues that have come up in the relationship. “Taking accountability for what you can is probably one of the most important things, and it shows your partner that you’re self-aware enough to know when it’s important to apologize for yourself and for the sake of the relationship.” “If your partner consistently won’t come to the table to work things out so you can both be happy, if they diminish your concerns, if they shame you, if they always turn it back on you, if they show no sign of care and concern for your well-being, that is not a situation where you can likely get what you need,” says Zimmerman. “And before you end the relationship, it’s worth making sure you’ve done everything well on your side of the court. That you have expressed yourself well, without attacking your partner. That you’ve tried repeatedly to express your concerns. That you’re equally interested in your partner’s happiness.” “You can love someone very deeply but still choose to let them go,” she says. “And I think that’s a really powerful dynamic of duality—of like, I still love this person, I might internally want to be with them still, but I know that this isn’t healthy for me, and so the healthiest choice is to let them go so they can find their person, and so I can be free and find the person that I’m supposed to be with.” You don’t need to wait until things are so bad that they’re unbearable. If you’re unhappy, that is reason enough to leave. You have the right to chase your happiness—even if it means letting go of someone you love. “Happiness is an internal job, which means that nobody can make you happy. Nobody can steal that from you,” she says. “That is something that you have to find within yourself, and while outside factors in a relationship can contribute to it, like some stress or some drama or things of that nature, you should never solely depend on your partner for happiness in the relationship or happiness in life.” If you feel like you can’t be happy if your relationship doesn’t work out, it’s time to take a step back and reevaluate how you’re thinking about the role of relationships in your life. “We need to go back to the basics and dig a little deeper to figure out why your happiness is attached to another person and another human being in the first place,” she says, adding that the bottom line is this: “You have to find joy and happiness and excitement and purpose and passion and all of those things of life within yourself, by yourself.” Don’t let the fear of the unknown keep you trapped in a situation that’s ultimately draining you. Breaking up is often the hardest part—but what you’ll find on the other side of your breakup is often relief, freedom, and new opportunities for joy and connection. Those are things that you deserve, and they’ll be there waiting for you whenever you’re ready to take that first step. That said, unhappiness should not be the norm or the accepted status quo. We all have the right to be happy, and the people who we choose to share our lives with have an immense impact on how we feel in the day-to-day flow of our lives. If your relationship is no longer serving you, despite your best efforts to make changes together with your partner, know that it’s OK to lovingly let them go in your pursuit of happiness. “Remember that a relationship should be a win/win situation,” says Zimmerman. If you are in immediate danger, call 911. For anonymous and confidential help, you can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233 or TTY 1-800-787-3224) and speak with a trained advocate for free as many times as you need. They’re available 24 hours a day, seven days a week. You can also speak to them through a live private chat on their website. With her warm, playful approach to coaching and facilitation, Kelly creates refreshingly candid spaces for processing and healing challenges around dating, sexuality, identity, body image, and relationships. She’s particularly enthusiastic about helping softhearted women get re-energized around the dating experience and find joy in the process of connecting with others. She believes relationships should be easy—and that, with room for self-reflection and the right toolkit, they can be. You can stay in the loop about her latest programs, gatherings, and other projects through her newsletter: kellygonsalves.com/newsletter
