People might have their own private theories about it, but a new study1 published in the Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy has identified three specific factors that make women more likely to have more sexual desire for a partner: intimacy, “celebrated otherness,” and “object-of-desire affirmation.” Let’s break these down. “The link between separateness and the construct of desire is evident in theoretical views that describe desire as a wish for something one does not have, or for something that is currently unattainable,” Prekatsounaki and her team write. “In this line of thinking, separateness is beneficial to sexual desire; desire can be sharpened by withdrawal or abstinence and be stimulated by fantasy, hope, and promise. Related prerequisites for desire are identified by [psychotherapist Esther] Perel. In her view, desire thrives in ‘otherness,’ defined as the space between the self and the other that allows for the unknown, novel and unexpected, for surprise and risk.” Importantly, the researchers view this specific kind of otherness as separate from the kind involved in unrequited love or other potentially alienating scenarios. “We use this term to refer to couple interactions where otherness between partners is explicitly maintained; not only recognized and accepted but also positively valued, cultivated, and built upon,” they explain. “We conceptualize celebrated otherness as relationship experiences that emphasize, at the same time, partners’ autonomy and investment in each other. As such, celebrated otherness is an antithesis to fusion, but not to intimacy.” “Women often adopt an erotic self-focus, instead of a relational one, during sexual activities with a partner,” the researchers explain. “This has led to the suggestion that female desire may be partly narcissistic in nature and that affirmation as an object of desire may be an important pathway to it for women.” In other words, women tend to be a little self-focused when it comes to sex: They want to be desired and to affirm their own sense of self-worth. Past research has shown women feeling good about themselves and their bodies is an important ingredient for sexual functioning and sexual satisfaction. The researchers note self-validation may be the actually important factor here, but external confirmation can be an effective way to stoke those feelings of confidence. One point of evidence of how important feeling attractive is to female desire: Women’s fantasies, the researchers note, tend to involve things like having sex with strangers, being exposed, and other things that involve confirming their own sexual value. One 2006 study found straight women get particularly turned on when they hear their partner has been fantasizing about them. “A possible explanation for this finding could be that intimacy provides the trust necessary to allow for the experience of separateness, and the safety needed for the expression of oneself as a sexual being,” the researchers explain. “Celebrating otherness in the interaction and immersing oneself in the sexual acknowledgment by one’s partner may conversely enhance the emotional significance attributed to and the emotional closeness experienced with them.” “Decreased desire in long-term relationships has often been attributed to increased intimacy between partners, which may lead to overfamiliarity or even fusion,” the researchers write. “The results of the current study, however, do not support the idea that intimacy increases with relationship duration. In fact, intimacy was negatively correlated with the length of the relationship with a steady partner. … These results could imply that decreased desire is not so much related to an excess of intimacy as to a shortage of intimacy, celebrated otherness, and ODA that develops over the course of a relationship.” In other words, when a woman stops being attracted to her partner over the course of a long relationship, it’s not so much that she’s feeling too close to the person—it may be that she’s actually lacking the feelings of closeness, as well as the novelty and appreciation, that tend to spark desire. As Esther Perel tells mbg, eroticism is largely a product of human imagination—it has less to do with physical sexuality and everything to do with the sexuality of the mind. With her warm, playful approach to coaching and facilitation, Kelly creates refreshingly candid spaces for processing and healing challenges around dating, sexuality, identity, body image, and relationships. She’s particularly enthusiastic about helping softhearted women get re-energized around the dating experience and find joy in the process of connecting with others. She believes relationships should be easy—and that, with room for self-reflection and the right toolkit, they can be. You can stay in the loop about her latest programs, gatherings, and other projects through her newsletter: kellygonsalves.com/newsletter
