So, how does it work? First, each of you will get your own individual copy of a lonnnng list of sexual activities, fantasies, kinks and fetishes, accessories, and more. There are lots of versions of this on the internet (we link some of our faves below), but some possible line items that might appear on the list include: Next to each item, you’ll have the opportunity to write in your own personal interest level: Each person will fill out their copy of the list separately and in private—and the privacy is key here because you want to feel open to answer totally honestly without feeling influenced by the way your partner reacts to a certain line item. After you each complete the worksheet by yourselves, that’s when you’ll then come together to review your responses together and look for areas of overlap that you can explore together if you so choose. “I think these are wonderful tools to explore erotic interests, but they are even better to open conversation,” Zimmerman adds. That is, in addition to being a great source of inspiration, perhaps the biggest benefit of the Yes/No/Maybe list is that it simply opens up the lines of communication. Couples can sometimes go years without ever meaningfully talking about their sex life, and it does them a great disservice. We know from research that people who talk more about sex tend to have more satisfying sex lives, whereas those who have less sexual communication tend to enjoy their sex life less, too. “If neither partner knows what the other’s expectations, desires, or needs are around sex, there isn’t much chance of continually making it better,” AASECT-certified sex therapist Holly Richmond, Ph.D., LMFT, CST, previously told mbg. “Couples that talk about sex can have better, more exciting sex the longer they are in the relationship, which is exactly the opposite of what we’ve been told to believe, that sex gets worse or more boring the longer you are together.” In other words, the key to a sustainably steamy sex life is being willing to sit down and talk about it. And if it’s not something you’ve been doing much of lately in your relationship? The Yes/No/Maybe list is one simple and pretty fun way to get started. “I recommend people treat this exercise as a discussion starter, with curiosity and without judgment,” says Zimmerman. That includes judgment toward your partner and judgment toward yourself. Exploring sexual interests with a partner can be an extremely fun activity, but it can also be vulnerable stuff. Stay open-minded and affirming with each other as you talk through your lists while also being vocal about your boundaries and respectful of the other person’s. (Remember: A relationship becomes safer, and feels all the closer and warmer, the more we’re able to say no to each other with ease. So, celebrate each other’s “no”! It brings you closer every time you do.) Also remember that none of this means you have to do anything on the list, Zimmerman reminds, no matter what you answered on the worksheet. Either way, though, “you can talk about what is appealing about particular sexual activities (or what is not) and under what circumstances you’d find it interesting.” Suggest the idea to your partner to see if they’d be interested in doing this on your next date night (feel free to shoot them the link to this article!), and then come into the activity together with open minds and a spirit of playful exploration. You’ll be sure to walk away with a good bit of inspo for where to go next. With her warm, playful approach to coaching and facilitation, Kelly creates refreshingly candid spaces for processing and healing challenges around dating, sexuality, identity, body image, and relationships. She’s particularly enthusiastic about helping softhearted women get re-energized around the dating experience and find joy in the process of connecting with others. She believes relationships should be easy—and that, with room for self-reflection and the right toolkit, they can be. You can stay in the loop about her latest programs, gatherings, and other projects through her newsletter: kellygonsalves.com/newsletter
