This has always been frustrating and unfair, but in the wake of COVID-19, the amount of work that needs to be done around the house has increased substantially with more meals to cook, more clothes to launder, kids to home-school, and trying to do this all while working a full-time job remotely in many cases. For many women, this pandemic has been uniquely overwhelming. The conversation will likely be uncomfortable for both of you, but on the other side of it is something better. You can get to an easier, more satisfying place with your partner. Step one: Have a direct conversation about this. Yes, it’s time to sit down and do it. Ask for what you need to feel how you want to feel, Pepin recommends rather than making this about how your partner has been failing you. What would make you feel more equal and supported? “As women and men in this moment in history, we are in the unique and difficult position of renegotiating long-standing gender roles, and it’s not easy,” Perl says. “Repeat after me: This is happening to both of us! We are both the product of a society where gender roles have been polarized.” Have this be part of the conversation you have with your partner. Acknowledge out loud how unfair gender roles are hurting your relationship (and your own personal well-being), and agree that it’s worth trying to work against them. Make equality an open priority. Back in the day, we used to say women did more housework because men were the primary earners for the family, Pepin explains. But now that more women are becoming the breadwinners and couples typically share financial responsibilities in the household, she says we’ve reached for another excuse: personality. Couples will actually “amplify personality differences, which are often based on myths about gender differences.” Pepin’s own research has demonstrated that people still believe women are better caretakers and homemakers than men are, even though other research has debunked the myth. For example, studies have shown that women are not better multitaskers than men are1 and that men’s perceptions of how messy a room is2 are virtually the same as women’s perceptions of that room. Ladies, you’re not naturally better than your man at doing house stuff. You’ve been taught how to do it, you’ve been taught to care about doing it, and you’ve now been doing it for so long that you are very good at it. Explain that to your partner, and give him the opportunity to learn and get good at it too if he’s not already. Trust your partner to get the job done. If something falls short, try not to criticize him or argue with him about what the “right” way is to do things—that will cause defensiveness and frustration. Instead, explain to him why you care about a certain way of doing a certain task. For example, organizing the laundry into colors helps preserve your delicate whites; cleaning the dishes immediately after use avoids a buildup later, and the buildup is what stresses you out. Ask him to care about the things you care about, as a way he can show you love. Additionally, learn to let go where possible. There will be some inefficiencies at first, and that will annoy you. But recognize that allowing your partner to take charge of responsibilities is more important in the long run than getting everything done as fast as possible today. Say thank you, often. This can be a practice you institute as a couple to make yourselves more conscious of how much the other person does. Whenever either of you notices the other has done a household task, directly thank them. Dan Carlson, Ph.D., a sociologist who studies gender dynamics in the household, recommends doing tasks together as much as possible. “In order to avoid having one partner overburdened, or to avoid one partner slacking on their assigned tasks, try to do tasks together,” he wrote in a recent Twitter thread. “When couples divvy tasks between them (e.g., I do laundry, she does dishes) inequities can develop, especially if tasks are of unequal desirability. Though not always possible, if you can do things together, your division will be more equitable and satisfying.” One possible way to do that: When one partner is doing dishes after dinner, the other partner takes that time to grab the laundry or tidy the living room. Or maybe you both set aside a chunk of your weekend for tag-teaming on chores, alternating who does which task each week. That way, you’re ensuring that you’re each generally spending the same amount of time doing chores. This isn’t always feasible, of course, but trying to do things together as much as possible can at least create an atmosphere of teamwork. “Examples of this are that even when husbands do unpaid work (like housework and child care), they still depend on wives to tell them what to do and when. So let’s say a husband is going to grocery shop for the family. The wife will be the one who looks at their fridge, their pantry, thinks about what they are missing, what they will need in the next week or so, and makes a list. The husband goes and shops, often even calling the wife if he can’t find an item to get her to guide him,” Rao explains. “Any negotiation of housework should incorporate this kind of work too.” Some people refer to this as the “mental load.” Here’s a helpful comic about the mental load that can help you further understand what this looks like. Share it with your partner so they know what you mean. How can you not only divide up tasks but also the responsibility for managing all the tasks? “Stick to the adage: structure with flexibility,” Perl says. “You need a base to work from, but you also need to see this as something that changes with you and your changing lives.” It’s OK to have to swap tasks or do something outside your decided game plan sometimes. Be gracious, generous, and forgiving. Most of all, be patient. “When in doubt, come back to this idea: ‘We are in this together,’” Perl says. “You and your partner are not adversaries.” With her warm, playful approach to coaching and facilitation, Kelly creates refreshingly candid spaces for processing and healing challenges around dating, sexuality, identity, body image, and relationships. She’s particularly enthusiastic about helping softhearted women get re-energized around the dating experience and find joy in the process of connecting with others. She believes relationships should be easy—and that, with room for self-reflection and the right toolkit, they can be. You can stay in the loop about her latest programs, gatherings, and other projects through her newsletter: kellygonsalves.com/newsletter
