“So many people base whether they leave on what’s going on with the other person rather than what’s going on with themselves,” she explains. “I recommend people not to leave until they have done their own inner work and have learned to make themselves happy.” In other words, it may be necessary to consider the ways that you’re contributing both to the relationship’s troubles and to your own unhappiness. Paul notes she’s seen many people leave too soon and “miss the opportunity to learn to take care of themselves within the relationship—and then, of course, the same issues come up again in the next relationship.” Beyond doing your own inner work, it’s also sometimes possible to revive an unhappy marriage. As licensed therapist Jor-El Caraballo, LMHC, previously explained to mbg, “Reviving an unhappy or unfulfilling marriage starts first and foremost with a desire to have things change.” Are you both interested in working on this marriage and willing to take concrete steps necessary to do it? If the answer is no, then it might be time to leave. And according to licensed marriage and family therapist Weena Cullins, LCMFT, you’ll also want to consider whether you’re dealing with a temporary or long-term problem. “Some circumstances strain marriages to the point of breaking, while your feelings for your spouse remain intact. Consider how you might feel about the marriage if it were possible to change certain circumstances down the line,” she explains. Wherever you are in your decision-making process, below are some signs it might be time to consider divorce or separation. (Here’s exactly how to leave an abusive relationship, by the way. The process may need to be a little different from your average divorce, to protect your safety.) Things like that can be a real deal-breaker for a lot of couples, so understand what your own nonnegotiables are. From there, if your partner can’t align with your deep needs and wants (such as having kids), the marriage likely won’t be fulfilling to you. People don’t always take stress seriously, but Cullins notes that marital stress can even be associated with medical illness. Research has shown, in fact, that couples with more marital strain tend to experience an accelerated decline in health1 compared to people in happy marriages. Your health—mental and physical—matter, so if protecting it means you may need to leave your marriage, so be it. Notably, this isn’t just about sexless relationships. There are many types of intimacy, which, at the core, are about feeling truly close to each other. If you can’t (or don’t want to) feel close to each other, it’ll be difficult to make the marriage work. Paul adds that missing a sense of excitement and passion in your relationship is typically not a great sign. Communication skills can absolutely be improved, but pay attention to whether your efforts to do this as a couple have consistently failed—or if one or both of you just refuses to put in the effort anymore. In the world of couples’ therapy, there’s something called the “four horsemen” that predict divorce. According to research by The Gottman Institute, the one behavior out of the four that is the biggest indicator of divorce is contempt. According to licensed marriage and family therapist Elizabeth Earnshaw, LMFT, contempt is often a symptom of long-standing resentment or disapproval toward your partner, which then comes out in arguments in the form of condescension and mean-spirited communication. “At minimum, it is very mean, and at worst, it becomes emotional abuse. It also has been connected to health issues for the partner the contempt is directed toward, including a lower immune system,” she notes. Contempt can be addressed, but if it’s pervasive and partners are unable to change the way they view and treat each other, the relationship may not be healthy to remain in. “If the person is on an emotional and spiritual growth path, and their partner just isn’t interested at all, there’s not going to be much of an emotional connection,” she explains. When this happens, there likely also won’t be much of a spiritual or sexual connection either, Paul says. “They’re not at the same place they may have been when they got together, and it may be time to move on if that connection isn’t there, or if the other person just isn’t interested in learning and growing.” And that goes for physical labor too, she adds. “If one person does most of the work around the house, and then earns money and takes care of kids, and the other person is just not interested in doing anything, yes, that’s a good reason to leave,” she says. After all, no one wants to feel like they’re carrying the entire relationship on their back. Give and take is necessary, and if it hasn’t improved even after being addressed, it’s only going to cause more problems and resentment down the line. Paul tells mbg she commonly sees partnerships where one person is a narcissist while the other is a caretaker, which is not a healthy dynamic to be in. “The caretaker is a fairly sensitive person and has learned to be a people-pleaser or take responsibility for other people’s feelings, and the more narcissistic person is on the taker end,” she explains. Every family’s finances are different, and some couples may be perfectly content with one person being the breadwinner. But if this happens and it wasn’t agreed upon, Paul says it can become a fast track to resentment for the person making ends meet. In addition to that, problems with budgeting, spending, and even gambling can come up and cause a lot of issues and strain in a marriage, she says. If these issues are present in your marriage and haven’t improved even after you’ve brought it up and really tried to troubleshoot this together, it could be time to leave. Your spouse should bring out the best in you, not the worst, and if you don’t like yourself when they’re around, that’s not a marriage worth staying in. If the thought of nothing changing scares you more than the thought of leaving, that’s a sign it’s in your best interest to move toward divorce. This can look like an “inability to recognize negative patterns,” Birkel says, adding, “if you don’t recognize it, it’s going to be very difficult to improve on your relationship.” So, when you do get to a point that there’s no denying it anymore, the choice will likely be clear to move on from the marriage. A trial separation is essentially an informal agreement to take some time apart and specifically live separately. There is no written or legal agreement involved, making it a relatively easier option than divorce. Some couples may come back together after a period of separation, while some may move forward with divorce. It’s also not unheard of for couples to stay separated for a prolonged period of time without legally divorcing. Either way, Paul says, separation is an especially good idea if you’re dealing with a narcissist or someone who acts out emotionally. “It’s better to say, ‘Let’s separate, and we’ll work on it,’ which makes the other person calm down, and [then] to get a complete legal separation,” she says, adding that this allows you to separate your assets and transition to divorce more smoothly, should that turn out to be the end game. A separation also allows you to “leave the door open,” in case you both decide to try again after some time, Paul notes. But remember, a separation isn’t always the way to go, with Paul explaining that if you know it’s never going to work, or you’re experiencing abuse of any kind, you should go for the divorce. She adds that if your partner is, in any way, an angry, punishing, violent, and/or narcissistic type person, you’re going to want to set yourself up legally with a good attorney. This is especially true if there are children involved. But if you’re both willing to approach the divorce in a caring and empathetic way, the process will be much smoother. “They can get mediation, they can work it out with a good mediator who does this kind of work, and it doesn’t have to be so hard,” Paul explains. And if you’re worried or upset about breaking the news to your children, rest assured, Paul tells mbg a bad marriage is actually worse on kids than divorced parents. In the end, it will be better for them to not grow up around the dysfunction an unhappy marriage can create. If you made it this far and your gut is telling you it’s time, stay strong and keep your head up. It may not be what you wanted, but now it’s what you need, and when it’s all said and done, there is both life and love after divorce when you give yourself the chance to find it.
