But in reality, it’s simply one of many ways to approach relationships—and individuals can make the active, conscious choice to be monogamous or to choose a different path. Today, monogamy is the most mainstream approach to relationships across many societies, though it’s by no means universal. Various cultures across the world practice polygamy (marriage between more than two people), and historically the majority of preindustrial societies engaged in polygamy of some sort, typically in the form of polygyny (two or more women sharing a husband). Monogamy is also a rarity among other mammals, with just 3% of mammals engaging in monogamy according to one recent analysis. “Most of us have learned that monogamy is the ’normal’ or even the ’traditional’ relationship style and that nonmonogamy is an alternative, when, in fact, nonmonogamous relationships like polyandry, polygyny, [and] polygamy have been around for centuries,” Jayda Shuavarnnasri, M.A., a sex and love educator who teaches about nonmonogamy and supports people exploring nonmonogamous relationships, tells mbg. While there are many theories1 as to why human societies transitioned from primarily polygamous to primarily monogamous, what we do know is that monogamy as the social norm is a relatively recent development in the scope of human history. That said, in many societies today, monogamy is often treated as the default way of being in relationships. The common understanding of the way relationships form—from initial meeting, to becoming exclusive, to confessions of love, to moving in together, to eventually getting married and having kids—are all tied to the concept of monogamy, as are popular conceptions of romantic love such as finding “the one” or meeting “my other half.” In consensually nonmonogamous relationships, a person may have more than one romantic or sexual partner at the same time. Critically, all partners are aware of these other partners and happily agree to the dynamic—meaning it’s not “cheating” but rather an intentional part of the relationship. “Ethical nonmonogamy is based on the concept of using socially acceptable guidelines and ethically motivated tools to cultivate a relationship built on the foundation of nonmonogamy,” psychotherapist Cheyenne Taylor, LMSW, recently told mbg. “ENM means not cheating or acting without the consent of your partner.” Some people assume that nonmonogamous relationships are inherently less committed or less secure, but in fact, some research has found people in consensually nonmonogamous relationships actually tend to be more committed to their long-term relationships. Here’s how Shuavarnnasri explains it to mbg: “Monogamous marriage has a pretty patriarchal history,” Shuavarnnasri points out, adding for example: “When a girl is born into a family, she adopts her father’s last name as a signal of the household that ‘owns’ her. The tradition of a father walking his daughter down the aisle is meant to symbolize the transfer of property to the soon-to-be-husband, which is further solidified by the bride adopting her husband’s last name.” While that isn’t to say that all marriages are patriarchal or that monogamous relationships are inherently oppressive toward women, Shuavarnnasri adds, it’s important to note that monogamy has historically been an effective tool for systemically maintaining male dominance over women. Of course, many people today enter into monogamous relationships that are more egalitarian—but even so, the traditional division of labor in heterosexual relationships continues to have massive consequences for women’s economic prospects. Likewise, Shuavarnnasri argues that monogamy may not necessarily be the only or even the easiest context in which to raise a child. “It’s not a secret that raising a family requires a lot of work and money. With the rising cost of living, education, and housing, many millennials like myself are confronted with the reality that a dual-income household isn’t enough to maintain a healthy family. This means that both parents have to work and make enough income to pay for day care since both parents spend most of their time working,” they point out. “The interesting thing about nonmonogamous family dynamics is that children may have access to multiple ‘parent figures’ or trusted guardians that can care for them, and they do say ‘It takes a village to raise a child.’” This isn’t to say that nonmonogamy is inherently better for society or families than monogamy is, Shuavarnnasri notes. Likely neither is better or worse than the other. “The best society thrives when the people within it are living their most authentic lives, whether they are monogamous or nonmonogamous.” “We are social creatures, and most of our ideas are imprinted from the cultures, families, and relationships we grew up with,” they note. “The tricky part about monogamy is that we live in a very heteronormative monogamous culture, where every love song and every movie sends the message that we all have one true love.” That means you’ll need to really dig deep to understand your own authentic desires, separate from what might be expected from you by those around you. Here are just a few considerations to help you begin your exploration. “Start by suggesting a discussion around the concept of nonmonogamy rather than talking about opening up your current relationship and what that would look like practically,” she writes at mbg. “Jumping straight into discussing your existing relationship structure can feel destabilizing or threatening, causing your partner to shut down or become defensive. Sharing an article you’ve read or a talk you’ve recently heard to kick off this discussion will eliminate potential tension around this topic.” Avoid evangelizing about the benefits of nonmonogamy, she adds—simply come with a balanced, thought-out perspective on the idea that’s open for discussion. Talk about what you each think about monogamy as an approach to relationships as opposed to other, nonmonogamous approaches. It may also help to discuss how you each define what a relationship means to you in general. (Here’s Blue’s full guide to talking about open relationships with a partner.) Both monogamy and nonmonogamy can yield healthy, happy relationships for those involved. It’s just a matter of personal desires, needs, and preferences. With her warm, playful approach to coaching and facilitation, Kelly creates refreshingly candid spaces for processing and healing challenges around dating, sexuality, identity, body image, and relationships. She’s particularly enthusiastic about helping softhearted women get re-energized around the dating experience and find joy in the process of connecting with others. She believes relationships should be easy—and that, with room for self-reflection and the right toolkit, they can be. You can stay in the loop about her latest programs, gatherings, and other projects through her newsletter: kellygonsalves.com/newsletter
