When people feel good about feelings, they often use “emotion coaching” in their communication. Essentially, this means that they seek out feelings—their own and their partner’s. Other people believe that feelings are unproductive. Their belief system tells them that exploring, sharing, and talking about feelings makes the problem worse. It prevents moving through the issue. These people generally have uncomfortable feelings about their feelings. For instance, when they feel anger, they feel disappointed that they have anger. When they feel sadness, they feel embarrassed about the sadness. These people often use what is called “solution coaching” in their communication around issues that bring up emotions. When there is an issue, they go straight to the most “common sense” solution in order to skip over the exploration and sharing that takes place in emotion coaching. Here are some questions you can ask yourself: Or do you jump into the role of solution coach? When you hear a feeling, do you respond by giving an answer? Shutting it down? Explaining it away? One way to reflect on this further is to make a list of emotions and then to explore with yourself how people responded to you. How did your parents, friends, and family respond to you when you had the feeling? Does this mirror how you respond to people now? When couples are matched as “emotion coaches,” they also do well with each other. They build a healthy conflict culture together in which they explore each other’s emotions and respond to them. This match creates a fulfilling relationship for them. When people are mismatched, they tend to get into conflict about whose way is the right way. Rather than recognizing that each person has a powerful skill to bring to the table, couples become gridlocked. One partner holds out until their emotions can be shared while the other partner continues to suggest solutions and becomes frustrated with how long it takes their partner to move toward change. However, when couples get gridlocked this way, they miss a very important point—that if they can actually come together on their preference, they can be a powerhouse. To have one person that can guide the emotional conversations and another that can guide the couple toward solutions is to have a couple that can intimately connect and create change and growth. Tend to the emotional experience by utilizing validation and curiosity with your partner. Allow them to be the guide of their own internal world. Understanding your meta-emotions is important for navigating any and all relationships, and it’s also helpful knowledge to have about yourself no matter your relationship status. When you understand the way you react to your own emotions, you’re developing more self-awareness. Ultimately, we all have emotions, and accepting our emotions (and the way we feel about them!) is part of developing self-compassion.
