You’ve probably read plenty of sex advice columns telling you what you need to do next: figure out a way to get the spark back, whether that means switching up your routine or going along with sex you don’t really want or otherwise finding a way to rekindle your sex life. It’s very common for sex in long-term relationships to go through different phases, including some in which one partner doesn’t want to be intimate or feels like they don’t like sex with their partner. One study1 found four in five people have dealt with mismatched sex drives in their relationship in the last month. So if you’re a couple going through this right now, you’re by no means alone. This doesn’t necessarily mean anything is wrong with your relationship, and for sure it doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you. “There are so many things that affect our sex drives at different points in our lives that virtually all long-term couples will find themselves in situations where one of them desires sex more than the other some of the time, and about a third of couples will struggle with this for prolonged periods of time or at a level that’s distressing to one or both partners,” Vrangalova explains. “Expecting for two people who’ve been living together for a while to both be in the mood for sex at the same time on a regular basis is unrealistic.” Some people just aren’t that interested in sex, and some studies2 have found people who aren’t sexually active are just as happy as those who have sex all the time. That said, a large body of research3 also shows a strong link between sexual satisfaction and relationship satisfaction (though definitions of “sexual satisfaction” vary widely from couple to couple). Desire discrepancy, in particular, can increase instability and conflict in a relationship, research finds4. But sometimes the particular climate of your relationship is why you don’t want sex right now, sex therapist Vanessa Marin adds. “There’s a two-way relationship between relationship satisfaction and sexual desire. If you’re not feeling desire for your partner, it may be because of other dynamics in your relationship,” she tells mbg. “For example, maybe you’re feeling like your partner isn’t holding up their end of the bargain with the kids.” No matter your reason, your relationship will not implode if you need to take a break from sex for a while. If sex is important to your partner, this break shouldn’t be forever—but just like you need to be compassionate about their needs, they need to be compassionate about yours. “Asking for a break from sex may be difficult for your partner,” Marin says. “But there are still plenty of reasons you may want to ask for a break, even though you know it may be difficult. And there are reasons your partner would say ‘yes’ to taking a break, even though it may be difficult.” “Tell your partner you’d like to talk about something important,” Marin explains. “Then work together to create the time and space for that conversation to happen. In the moment, make sure you both feel calm and open. Remind your partner that you love them and that you have their best interests in mind, both individually and as a couple. Tell your partner why you’d like to take a break and the positive impact that you think it will have on your relationship overall.” It’s also important for the higher-libido partner to make sure they’re being supportive of the lower-libido partner throughout this journey. Feeling that love and generosity can itself create more intimacy in the relationship. That could be more time away from the kids, exploring new kinks or sexual interests, using more vacation days for sex-oriented staycations so you’re not stressed about work all the time, working through lingering relationship problems that have been keeping you distant, creating a stronger emotional connection during sex, or whatever it might be. (Here are a few ways to make sex better for women, plus how to get comfortable asking for what you want in bed.) Just remember there’s nothing to feel guilty about here. Your partner can wait. Sex should be something you seek out because it feels good to you and makes you happy and because you enjoy connecting with your partner. What would make the prospect of sex fun for you? Sometimes after a long while of push and pull over sex in a relationship, it can be hard for it to feel positive and playful again. It can often be helpful to work with a sex therapist or sex educator who can help you clear some of that negative energy around sex and get back to feeling some of that excitement again. In the interim, just remember there’s absolutely nothing wrong with you for asking to push the pause button on your sex life. There’s also no rush for you to change anything right away. If you need a breather, then create that space for yourself. Breathe. Just be honest with your partner in the meantime about how you’re feeling and what you need, and keep the lines of communication open and the love freely flowing. RELATED: How Important Is Sex In Relationships? 9 Things To Consider With her warm, playful approach to coaching and facilitation, Kelly creates refreshingly candid spaces for processing and healing challenges around dating, sexuality, identity, body image, and relationships. She’s particularly enthusiastic about helping softhearted women get re-energized around the dating experience and find joy in the process of connecting with others. She believes relationships should be easy—and that, with room for self-reflection and the right toolkit, they can be. You can stay in the loop about her latest programs, gatherings, and other projects through her newsletter: kellygonsalves.com/newsletter
