We have so many defenses to protect ourselves from the risk of loss. Some of these defenses are obvious and well known: We use sarcasm or dry humor to diminish moments of vulnerability. We create distractions like work and all forms of busyness. We constantly check our smartphones or become addicted to screens. We may not realize it, but these are all ways the fear of love manifests. Other defense mechanisms that prohibit intimacy are more subtle. These forms of protection occur in the realm of the mind and usually manifest as doubt. While there is a place for healthy doubt (especially if there are red flags in the relationship that need your attention), doubt in a healthy relationship is a very subtle and sneaky defense mechanism that, at its root, is the fear of loss. If you feel like you don’t quite know how you feel, here’s how to know when you’re in love but just scared of falling in love versus when you’re seeing real signs you should end the relationship. The belief is also absorbed from the culture itself, for it cannot be denied that we live in a culture of “not-enoughness.” The cultural message says: You’re not thin enough, fit enough, healthy enough, successful enough; you’re not feeding your kids enough vegetables or setting enough limits; you don’t meditate enough or practice enough yoga; you don’t have enough style, friends, or fun. In short, you’re just not quite right because you’re not enough. Once the belief of “I’m not enough” takes hold, it determines many of your decisions regarding intimate relationships. And when you finally do meet a partner who is available, loving, caring, honest, and every other quality you’ve been waiting for (as opposed to dating unavailable people who had one foot out the door), this latent, silent belief kicks in and the self-protective thought, “You don’t love him enough” or “You’re not attracted to her enough” is quick on its heels. Now, instead of addressing your core belief that you’re not enough, you’ve made your partner not enough. Now, instead of you being in the vulnerable position of exposing yourself to the risk of being hurt or rejected, you’ve positioned yourself into the one-up position of holding the power. Now, instead of allowing the relationship to deepen in intimacy with an unknown end (as we never know what will happen when we commit to one person), the ego, in the power position, will try to convince you to run, thereby controlling the outcome. The ego hates risk. The ego hates the unknown. The ego hates being vulnerable. In our bully culture, the ego knows it’s either bully or be bullied. It chooses to bully, putting your lovely partner under the microscope and convincing you that they just aren’t enough. You are not without flaws, but your self-worth is not dependent on being flawless. You are worthy of love because you exist. Knowing this in your head and knowing this in your cells are two different experiences, however. So be patient with yourself as you ferret out the causes and ramifications of believing that you’re not enough and find ways of replacing that lie with the truth. But it doesn’t work that way: Loss hurts no matter what. So you may as well love fully while you have the chance, and trust that, somehow, you will recover from the shattering heartbreak of loss. It’s an interesting paradox: The more fully you love, the more deeply you will grieve when you lose the one you love, and the more likely it is you’ll be able to love wholeheartedly again. There is no greater risk than loving wholeheartedly, and no risk more worth the effort it takes to get there. To receive a thorough relationship road map, check out her mbg video course, How to Have the Greatest Relationship of Your Life. And if you’re struggling with sexual desire and body image, consider her course Sacred Sexuality: A 40-Day Course for Women to Heal Body Shame and Ignite Desire.
