So, what do you do when you truly want to apologize to someone you’ve hurt? We spoke with two relationship experts to help us find those answers and offer suggestions to navigate this sometimes difficult emotional terrain. If you’re unsure whether you’ve upset someone and need to apologize, there are both explicit and more subtle signs you can pick up on. Houyuan Luo, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist and therapist, says that in some cases, “the person explicitly lets you know that you have done something wrong.” But even if they don’t tell you directly, Luo says to keep an eye out for when “the person acts differently than usual. For example, if you two always enjoy a good glass of wine, but the other person suddenly doesn’t enjoy it that much, it might be a subtle sign that something happened.” As Thompson adds, “You know you need to apologize to someone when you can internally feel you have offended them, when you can visibly see, through the person’s facial and/or body expressions, that you have offended them. Here are some signs that you may have done something that merits an apology without the person directly telling you, from Thompson and Luo: There’s an adage that says, “The road to hell is paved with good intentions,” which means that even if you meant to do something in good faith, you can still end up doing damage or hurting another person through your actions. People need time. When you are in the wrong and want to make it right, it is important to remember that things won’t be rectified on your timeline but rather on the timeline of the person you hurt. Be patient. There are times when the apology is not accepted even though it was genuine and remorseful, or there are times when, even when the apology is accepted, the relationship has significantly changed nonetheless. When this occurs, Thompson says it is important to “reflect on your apology. Was it genuine and remorseful, and did it provide resolution? Accept that some relationships are for a season and not forever. Accept that it is OK to love and care for someone from afar.” These and other questions are important to consider when determining if your apology was genuine and remorseful or not. Luo points to the work of clinical psychologist Janis Abrahms-Spring, who says there are four types of forgiveness: Miller, known online as Lia World Traveler, is also a public speaker who regularly presents on panels and at workshops, conferences, and events nationally and internationally. She is also foreign service officer/diplomat and has worked extensively on issues across the Middle East, North Africa, Europe, and Latin America.
