If you are reluctant to do this, you should ask yourself why. If it turns out that you fear rejection because you’re in therapy, I strongly suggest you let that fear go. At the end of the day, a person who would dump you simply because you have some problems that you’re actively addressing is probably not the loving, caring, genuinely supportive partner you deserve. So, good riddance. It is also possible that you’re dealing with a thorny, painful, shameful issue—childhood sexual abuse, for instance—and you’re not comfortable sharing that information with anyone outside the therapeutic milieu. If so, you should discuss this with your therapist, who may have some useful advice, possibly even scheduling a couple’s session to help you disclose. Of course, it’s possible you will never feel comfortable sharing this information in any setting with the person you are currently dating. If so, you might want to move on to a partner who feels safer and more empathetic; otherwise, you will never experience the true emotional intimacy upon which great relationships are built. Whatever your fears about disclosure, if you are dating someone seriously and you want the relationship to progress, you are going to have to talk about things that are really important to you—including the fact that you’re in therapy. As such, the question isn’t so much whether you should disclose but when. Of course, early in a relationship, it’s important to maintain healthy boundaries. If you’re bringing up therapy and serious issues in your life in the first couple of dates, make sure it’s because you’re wanting to connect with this person and share more of yourself with them, not because you’re looking for sympathy or a rescue. And of course, make sure you’re on the same page about going deeper and getting closer with each other–don’t spring your personal issues on someone who seems to be more interested in a casual relationship. Generally, the best time to bring up therapy and issues you’re dealing with is when you’re ready to say something like, “Gee, we’ve been dating for a while, and I really like you, and I think I’d like to get serious about our relationship.” If your paramour seems receptive, you can move forward with the type of open, honest, empathetic conversation that brings two people closer. Whatever you do, do not wait until you’re a committed couple before you spring important information. Saying, “Now that we’re engaged, I think you should know that I was horribly abused as a child, and because of that I struggle with bouts of depression and anxiety, and I go to therapy twice a week to deal with this.” First of all, this is not fair to the person you’re dating because it doesn’t allow that individual to make a fully informed decision before making a commitment to you. Plus, it will cause that person to wonder what other important secrets you are keeping, which greatly undermines relationship trust and their ability to be empathetic and supportive with you. Whenever you disclose personal information to the person you’ve been dating, regardless of the nature of that information, be sure to watch their reaction, seeing how your disclosure (your emotional vulnerability) is received. The other person’s immediate response will tell you a lot about who they really are. When you allow yourself to become honest in this way and your vulnerability is empathetically accepted, it goes a long way toward developing true emotional intimacy. If the other person decides to share a few intimate details of their own, even better. This is the way genuine, long-lasting connection is created. If, however, your partner responds poorly, making snide comments or shutting down emotionally, your relationship may struggle moving forward because they are not (at least for now) capable of dealing with true honesty and emotional vulnerability.
