We’re in the midst of a movement against “overapologizing”—especially for women, who tend to apologize more often than men because they have a lower threshold1 for what counts as offensive behavior. To be clear, caring about how your actions affect others is rarely a bad thing. But the deeper problem seems to stem from the lack of understanding around why we apologize. Sometimes it’s just a reflex. And sometimes, it’s not coming from a place of concern at all. It took me years to understand that I had been deeply programmed to believe that if someone blamed me for their feelings, then I must have done something wrong and needed to apologize. The more I did my inner work, the more I understood that I was not responsible for another person’s upset feelings unless I purposely did something hurtful to them—and to be frank, purposefully hurting someone is incredibly out of character for me. From my work as a counselor, I began to realize that, oftentimes, people are actually hurting themselves with their own self-abandonment tendencies and then blaming others for it. In my own life, I saw people projecting their own anger and self-judgments on to me—a friend who says I’m never available when they’re the one who never returns phone calls, or a family member telling me that I’m judging them when, in fact, they are judging me and likely judging themselves. I’m sorry Please forgive me Thank you I love you I say this because I do believe that we are all one and that, on some level, my behavior affects them. I say the prayer because it makes me feel good to say it to myself. While I never purposely hurt others, I’m human, which means that sometimes I inadvertently say or do something that is hurtful, inconsiderate, judgmental, or blaming of another. When this is the case, I’m genuinely remorseful, and I sincerely apologize. I feel glad that the person spoke up and let me know that my behavior was hurtful because the last thing I want is to be unloving or cause another person anguish. I explore my own behavior to see where it came from, and I become more aware of not behaving in that way again. I learn and grow from the experience. Even if you have inadvertently (or purposefully) hurt someone, an apology is not a Band-Aid. Apologizing just to make a problem go away or when you don’t really mean it just ends up being unloving to the person you wronged and unloving to yourself. Your feelings let you know whether you are offering a genuine apology, and you need to become mindful of your feelings and learn to trust them. If you feel hollow inside as a result of an apology, then it was a form of control. If you feel peaceful and full of love within, then you know that apologizing was loving to you and to the other person. Our feelings are an unerring source of inner guidance, so learning to be present in your body and mindful of your emotions is a very important part of becoming aware of your true intentions—to control or to be loving.
