Your brain’s limbic system—the primitive part of your brain wired for survival—flips into fight-or-flight mode. Maybe you’re strong and have weapons, so you fight. Or maybe there’s no way you’ll survive that, so you run away. You might even freeze to see what the tiger is planning to do, just in case it doesn’t become interested in you and simply walks away. For example, with freezing, we play dead so the enemy will leave us alone. You hear this when sexual assault survivors say they don’t remember a thing; our bodies shut down to help us cope with the situation, believing the way to minimize harm is to lie still and wait for it to pass. But because trauma isn’t just about the past but rather how it replays in the present moment in our body, freezing after the traumatic event can also happen via losing awareness in certain difficult situations or via phobias, panic attacks, and obsessive-compulsive behaviors like losing ourselves in hours of gaming that allow us to “disappear.” Put simply, we are run by an unconscious belief system—what social psychologist Ronnie Januff-Bulman calls our assumptive world1. Most of us believe that good things happen to us, the future is good, and the world is a benevolent place. However, a traumatic incident can shatter our assumptive world, leading us to tell ourselves different stories. Because the world is a dangerous place and bad things happen to us, we display a different set of behaviors to protect ourselves. “Fawn types seek safety by merging with the wishes, needs, and demands of others,” writes Pete Walker, the therapist who coined the concept of fawning as the fourth F. “They act as if they unconsciously believe that the price of admission to any relationship is the forfeiture of all their needs, rights, preferences, and boundaries.” He explains that fawning happens when a child “learns that a modicum of safety and attachment can be gained by becoming the helpful and compliant servants of their parents. They are usually the children of at least one narcissistic parent who uses contempt to press them into service, scaring and shaming them out of developing a healthy sense of self.” Importantly, it’s not only childhood experiences that can create this trauma response. Something that happens anywhere along your timeline can change you forever. Here’s how to stop: Start with simple experiences like, “This hot tea feels soothing” or “I feel joy when I listen to this song.” Start to sharpen your emotional vocabulary with a feelings wheel. Locate an experience within your body—where do you feel it, what color would you give it, and what name would you give it? This way, you know how your thoughts, feelings, and physicality are linked. Practice expressing a side of you that you keep under wraps. If you have a secret talent or hobby, share it with people who care or who are similar. Or post it on social media, because the world needs to be inspired by you. You update the OS of your phone all the time. It’s time you update the OS of you. She has been featured in Elle, Forbes, and Business Insider and has previously worked with Olympians, business professionals, and individuals seeking to master their psychological capital. She works globally in English and Mandarin-Chinese via Skype and Facetime, blending cutting-edge neuroscience, psychology, and ancient wisdom.
