Perhaps you’re feeling a bit blown away because you’ve just realized that your partner—someone you love—is a narcissist. You feel very connected to this person, but you also feel turmoil and confusion because you know you’re not being treated as well as you could be and don’t know what to do. Narcissists are not easy people to be around, as you’re probably well aware of by now—they lack empathy, they’re entitled, they brag a lot, and they’re very willing to put you down to keep themselves feeling high. And yet, for all the good reasons a person who finds themselves dating or married to a narcissist might want to leave, there are still some perfectly valid reasons they might want to try to make the relationship work. Some examples: If your partner says they’re willing to start down a path toward change and healing, be sure to back off and let them find their own professional help. If you try to find the help for them, they will likely resist or find something wrong with the person you chose. If they are sincere about getting help, they will take charge of the process themselves and make sure it happens. If they don’t, then you need to accept that they are not going to get help. Here are just a few examples of ways you might be attempting to control your partner’s behavior: In addition, trying to control in both overt and covert ways is your participation in the dysfunctional system you are in. If you have any chance of making this relationship work, you need to heal your end of the codependent system. In order to stay and make it work for you, you need to stop trying to be responsible for your partner’s feelings and focus on taking responsibility for your own feelings instead. That means developing a strong, loving inner adult who speaks up for you rather than gives yourself up. It’s your job to make yourself happy, which will begin to happen naturally as you learn to treat yourself with love. You’ll have to decide for yourself whether you’re willing and able to do all five of these things if you wish to continue being in a relationship with this person. Narcissism doesn’t need to be a deal breaker, but it certainly changes the very nature of your relationship and will require a lot of strength and self-love for you to find peace and joy in it.
