To understand the cupioromantic experience, it’s important to first understand that there’s a difference between sexual orientation and romantic orientation. They can coexist, but they’re not the same, Queen explains. Sexual orientation focuses on who you find sexually attractive (heterosexual, bisexual, etc.). Additionally, a person can also be asexual, wherein they experience little to no sexual attraction to others at all. Romantic orientation focuses on who you feel romantically interested in (heteromantic, biromantic, etc.). A person can also experience little to no romantic attraction to others at all, known as aromantic. Cupioromanticism is a romantic orientation, which deals with romantic attraction—the driving desire to be romantically involved with someone you like. Queen says people often think someone must experience romantic attraction or romantic desire for another person in order to be in or seek a romantic relationship, but this is a misconception. That’s where cupioromanticism comes in. “There are certainly plenty of discordant relationships on this axis—one partner romantically loves/desires the other; the other one is part of the relationship but doesn’t feel the same way,” Queen explains. “Sometimes a relationship changes into a configuration like this over time (one person’s romantic feelings fade; the other’s do not). Sometimes they start out this way in the first place.” Licensed therapist Rachel Wright, LMFT, notes that some people do take issue with the specific term cupioromantic. “Many people do not like this term, saying it represents conformity with amatonormativity, which is the view that romantic relationships are more favorable than other types of relationships,” she explains. “Remember, labels are meant to serve you and help you feel a sense of identity, pride, or belonging,” Wright adds. “If a label isn’t doing that, let it go. You’re not a can of soup—you don’t need a label.” Graveris says aromanticism is a spectrum (just like asexuality). It applies to individuals who experience little to no romantic attraction or feelings for another person. Cupioromantic folks are the same as most aromantic people in that they don’t experience romantic attraction to others, so cupioromantics do fall along the aromantic spectrum. That said, while cupioromantics don’t experience romantic feelings or attraction for other people, they do have a desire to be in romantic relationships. “Cupioromantic people may still crave or desire romance. Some are even open to being in a romantic relationship. That’s why cupioromanticism falls under the romance-favorable umbrella. They can be into the idea of loving someone and being loved,” Graveris explains. Some aromantic people may relate to those sentiments, but on the other hand, some may not have any desire to be in a relationship at all. So, while cupioromanticism falls along the aromantic spectrum, it’s not the same thing. “Because cupioromantic people aren’t entirely aromantic, they often harbor feelings of alienation from the aro community because there’s still that element of wanting for romance. And some aros think that these feelings aren’t valid,” Graveris adds. “That can range all the way from a person really being repulsed or super-not-into romantic attraction and its narrative/ideology (aka romance-repulsed), all the way to being in a romantic relationship that they do not feel romantic about—cupioromantic,” Queen previously explained to mbg. “And there is the demiromantic micro-orientation that, like demisexual on the ace spectrum, describes someone who may feel romantic feelings sometimes or under very specific conditions. A non-amorous person would not want a love relationship at all, romantic or otherwise.” Additionally, an aro person can be gay, straight, bi, or any other sexual orientation, as well as trans, nonbinary, genderqueer, or any gender identity. These are separate spectrums, so there can be an overlap of many kinds, Queen adds. Other identities found on the spectrum include the following, according to Graveris: However, you may encounter people who “may not know themselves yet—so just stay tuned to your feelings about things like love/relationships/romance and stay communicative with [your] partner or partners as you work out these details.” She adds, “I would definitely advise transparency over ‘performing romance,’ but sometimes this sort of performance is what a partner desires, and if everyone is good with it, that’s different from misrepresenting what you want.” “Accept your friends and family members for who they are! A relationship doesn’t need to be based in sexual desire (ace basics), in ’the mushy stuff’ (hearts, flowers, romance (aro spectrum perspective), or any other specific basics besides the desire to be together and treating each other well,” she says. Take the time to better understand what it means to be cupioromantic by respectfully asking questions or doing your own research. Try to understand that healthy relationships look and feel different to everyone, and allow your loved ones the opportunity to work out what that looks like for themselves. And even if it doesn’t look like what you’re used to, it’s no less valid. “As an ally, it’s not our work to determine if something is valid. If a friend is being mistreated, that’s one thing. If you wouldn’t conduct your own relationship the way they do, that’s not an emergency you need to step in to fix,” Queen adds. Additionally, don’t pressure the cupioromantic folks in your life to be a different way or perform their relationships in a particular way. Convey that you respect them, their choices, and different styles of connection. Once again, it’s the old “Different Strokes for different folks” point of view. If you feel like you could be cupioromantic, ask yourself if you feel romantic attraction toward other people. If you haven’t experienced any of these romantic feelings, you could be a part of the aromantic umbrella. Taking the time to question your feelings, thoughts, and desires in order to better understand your whole self is usually worth the effort.
