If you want to get into the nitty-gritty details, here’s some of the recent research: Here are a few insights from the research: That’s not a good thing—it means our culture has an even longer way to go before an attitude of sexual acceptance and celebration truly becomes the norm. Some research shows people view women who’ve slept with a ton of people as less confident than they do women who’ve slept with fewer partners. One study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships found women, in particular, view more promiscuous women as “less competent, emotionally stable, warm, and dominant.” Another 2019 study found people assessing peers’ “values, likability, success, and intelligence” viewed sexually experienced women more negatively than sexually experienced men. These perceptions are not based in reality, of course. Sleeping with a lot of people doesn’t make women any less competent, stable, or confident. Plenty of women enjoy having sex with a lot of people and are also smart, mature, kind, committed, and confident. If you find yourself judging a woman negatively based on her sexual history, it’s important to take a pause and recognize that your judgments may be unfairly gendered. It can be helpful to spend some time reflecting on your feelings about sex and gender more broadly. You’re, of course, allowed to have your own values, but it’s important not to view other people negatively just because they have a different set of values from yours. What can a person’s number not tell you? Anything about the quality of their character. Your sexual history can’t tell us whether you’re a kind, ethical, intelligent, loyal, or empathetic person or basically any other meaningful quality about you. There are certainly some promiscuous people out there who aren’t particularly kind toward themselves or others. At the same time, some of the gentlest, most emotionally mature souls get intimate with strangers on the regular, and some of the biggest jerks you’ll ever meet have never had sex in their lives. The number of partners really doesn’t tell you much. All that said, it seems people are pretty weird about talking to their partners about their number. The 2018 Dr. Ed survey found some 29% of people said you should never have to tell your number to your partner, whereas 54% of people said you must tell your number to your partner. That’s a lot of absolutes. And interestingly, a quarter of people said they’ve never been asked about it by a partner before—which also speaks to a weird hush-hush around the subject. In fact, research shows that people tend to lie about how many people they’ve had sex with. Men are more likely to exaggerate and inflate their number, whereas women tend to underreport it. (Although the Dr. Ed study found nearly a quarter of both men and women will undersell how many people they’ve been with by 10 or more partners.) These findings speak to not only what kind of expectations society still has for people’s sexual experience (often based on their gender) but also how deeply those expectations affect people—to the point that they feel the need to lie about their life experiences. Being unable to genuinely represent yourself to other people can be stressful, isolating, and emotionally stifling, especially if shame is what’s at the heart of your reluctance to be authentic. Take some time to sit with those feelings, or discuss them with your partner if you feel comfortable with it. At the end of the day, a person’s sexual past doesn’t have much to do with how they’ll treat you in the present. And we know that people who have lots of sexual partners before marriage still go on to have perfectly happy, healthy relationships. After all, sex in long-term relationships is very different from single sex. The truth is, there is no ideal number of sexual partners. As long as a person is happy and satisfied with their sexual experiences—whether they happen quite frequently or they’re few and far between—then they’re already at their own ideal. Some people love the thrill, excitement, and novelty of getting intimate with a variety of people; some people are only interested in that kind of intimacy with someone they love. Some people aren’t interested in commitment and thus tend to steer toward casual relationships; some very committed people still love casual sex. A number alone can’t tell you which of these people you’re dealing with. With her warm, playful approach to coaching and facilitation, Kelly creates refreshingly candid spaces for processing and healing challenges around dating, sexuality, identity, body image, and relationships. She’s particularly enthusiastic about helping softhearted women get re-energized around the dating experience and find joy in the process of connecting with others. She believes relationships should be easy—and that, with room for self-reflection and the right toolkit, they can be. You can stay in the loop about her latest programs, gatherings, and other projects through her newsletter: kellygonsalves.com/newsletter
