Soon, you find the evidence. Maybe you’re looking for it, maybe you stumble upon it. Either way it confirms that something is going on—with someone else. You confront your partner and find out the details. Then you face the inevitable, impossible question: Do I stay or do I go? You always imagined you would leave if someone cheated, but you find that your love for your partner draws you back. So, you decide to stay. And as you both try to heal your relationship, you begin to recognize the challenges of surmounting infidelity that you didn’t anticipate. In the aftermath of betrayal, here are five common reasons people find themselves unable to recover. As an alternative: Instead of insisting on knowing every sordid detail, ask yourself if you can trust your partner again without knowing the details. It might be better for your relationship in the long run. As an alternative: Don’t force yourself to be intimate immediately—or at any point, really. If you both truly want to give your relationship a chance to recover, you both have to be patient. Be gentle with yourself. That is the only thing you owe anyone at this point. As an alternative: Take a page out of Miranda and Steve’s book. In Sex and the City, after Steve cheats, he and Miranda go to therapy, and their relationship is deeply strained for quite some time. Eventually, they have to take a leap—or not. They spend some time alone, and each have to decide individually if they can let go of the past and start afresh—choosing to trust each other. Without trust, love cannot exist. Proceed accordingly. As an alternative: Ask yourself if healing this relationship is worth the additional work it will take on your self-confidence. It’s easy to resent your partner for denigrating your sense of self. Can you move forward without holding onto that resentment? If not, you might need to reconsider the way forward. As an alternative: It’s difficult to think of a scenario in which giving a serial cheater another chance to redeem themselves seems like a wise risk to take. If you’ve been cheated on before, consider why you would stay. Do you have children together? If so, ask yourself what’s really best for them. Will you be able to create a safe, loving environment for them if you are in a relationship without trust? Is there a chance they would be better off with two happily divorced parents than unhappily married ones? Talk to couples’ and children’s therapists and make an informed choice. When you’re dealing with the painful aftermath of betrayal, partners are often embarrassed about wanting to give the relationship another chance. But the only person whose opinions of your relationship matter are you and your partner. There is no right answer about what to do in this situation. No one can tell you what is best. Ultimately, you have to be your own advocate and decide what works for you. Want more insight on whether your relationship is healthy and the reasons it might not be? Check out these seven signs you’ve found the one and learn how to rewire your brain to have a more secure attachment style.
