In romantic partnerships, physical or sexual attraction can be a powerful force that draws folks to stay in toxic relationships," couples’ therapist Melody Li, LMFT, tells mbg. Toxic dynamics can be mended with conscious time, effort, and self-awareness. But both people need to be willing to change and accept responsibility to move forward. It will require each of you to examine your actions and do inner work. If you or your partner is not willing to truly put in the effort, the relationship will not change and should be ended. Additionally, if you don’t see any improvements after going through these steps, the toxicity could be too much to overcome, and it may be better for you to move on. Note: Any relationship involving physical violence or any abusive behavior requires immediate intervention and is likely too toxic to salvage. Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at the number listed above or your local helpline as soon as possible. Here’s a step-by-step guide on how to leave an abusive relationship. RELATED STORY: 19 Signs Of A Toxic Relationship & What To Do If You’re In One If these behaviors are rampant in your relationship, talk to your partner about them and agree to work together to end this cycle. When you find yourself falling into any of these behaviors, notice how you are escalating the argument by resorting to these toxic behaviors. It’s helpful to remember that it’s not you versus your partner; it’s both of you versus the communication problem. This collaborative mentality can help you reconnect with your partner naturally. Your partner might not be aware that their behaviors are causing you to tread lightly. When you are upset about something, resist the urge to sweep it under the rug. Instead, take the time to thoughtfully exercise your voice (it’s a muscle, so keep using it!) and share how you’re feeling and how it may be creating distance in the relationship. Ask them to recognize how their behavior is affecting you so you can rebuild trust in the connection. If you’ve observed this dynamic in your relationship, it’s necessary to speak up so you don’t continue perpetuating this behavior. “Help your partner recognize their toxic patterns and cycles, which includes triggers, feelings, and behaviors,” Li says. Express how you’re feeling with your partner, and let them know that you want to take up space in the relationship so you feel included too. Healthy love—real, nurturing romance—doesn’t involve any acts of earning. You are good enough simply by being who you are. If it’s reached this stage in your relationship, things have eroded enough that you may need to bring a mental health professional into your interactions to give you perspective. “In a therapeutic setting, we help each person heal from unresolved injuries such as personal or intergenerational trauma. It’s important couples practice new, healthier cycles to communicate and connect,” says Li. Cultivating mindfulness practices can be key to learning how to trust yourself and your own experience. Your truth is not up for debate. A few ways to do that: Take down notes or keep a journal to notice the inconsistencies between what you’re being told and what is actually happening. When you are fully present and do not second-guess your reactions, a gaslighter will have a harder time distorting reality. Let them know that their perception is not your experience, and if they continue to speak to you disparagingly, you will not engage until they’re willing to listen to you. “There is criticism about everything. Every time you do something, they always have a comment about what you did wrong or how you could have done it better. Ultimately, you feel unappreciated,” Gomez says. To counteract this, Li advises it may be as simple as both of you learning how to express criticisms in a “compliment sandwich” or how to construct a dialogue where you can both listen to each other’s point of view, so it’s not just one person’s monologue. But healthy relationships are a two-way street, and honesty is paramount for you to meaningfully connect with your partner (and for you to be able to speak your mind!). When you feel like you are about to tell a white lie, take a moment to consider what would happen if you told the truth instead. If you feel yourself hesitating to bring up something or your instinct is to avoid discomfort, take this as an opportunity to lean in. This is the perfect time to practice effective, clear communication so these small lies don’t become bigger lies and spread out of control. If there is a history of conflict avoidance and lack of personal accountability, Li recommends establishing a safe space where each partner feels like they can share their feelings, needs, and desires without resorting to ABCD. If you or your partner grew up in a home where those issues go unaddressed, it’s possible you may not have learned how to honestly and directly talk about an issue. With patience and positivity, these conversations can be initiated and become a natural way of approaching conflict without any of that toxic energy. Remember, you deserve to be in a healthy, happy relationship that makes you feel good. Don’t settle for anything less. RELATED STORY: Is My Relationship Toxic? A 5-Minute Quiz To Find Out
